Responsible for Your Response by Jim Stovall

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We live in a world that is growing more contentious every day. There are huge social and political divides between people, and social media highlights and magnifies these glaring conflicts. I believe that we should all be responsible for our own rhetoric and demeanor. While I understand it is difficult to respond with kindness, logic, or reason when you feel as if you’re being attacked, in the final analysis, we all have to be responsible for our response. 

People can make you mad, but they can’t make you respond with anger. When you attack another person—even after they’ve attacked you—you give up the moral, emotional, and social high ground. In many of these heated debates, the demeanor, tone, and anger behind the statements made carry more weight than the issue being discussed. 

If we’re going to make any progress in the world today, we’re going to have to have the benefit of everyone’s best ideas and diverse thought process. In order to diffuse heated debates or arguments, it is helpful to take the personalities out of the discussion. It is far more productive to debate an individual’s position and confront the logic of the stance they are taking as opposed to confronting them personally and attacking them as an individual.  

One of the most valid concepts I took away from my academic training in psychology is the fact that all feelings are legitimate whether you or I feel they are warranted or not. Everyone deserves to be heard and understood, even if you may disagree with their position. It is virtually impossible to achieve consensus when both parties are talking, and even more so when both parties are yelling. Behavioral scientists have proven that people will judge your intelligence in inverse proportion to how much you talk. Among the many nuggets of wisdom left to us by President Harry Truman was his admonition, “Never miss a good opportunity to just shut up.” 

We must pick our battles and choose our debates. Every differing opinion does not warrant our debate. Some of the greatest statesmen, corporate heads, and religious leaders are known more for bringing people together than anything else they may have done during their lifetime. It’s easier to agree on anything if you don’t feel you have to agree on everything. Some of the greatest breakthroughs in human endeavor have come about when people set aside petty differences and chose to move ahead within areas where they could find common ground. 

As you go through your day today, take responsibility for how you respond.   

Today’s the day!  

Jim Stovall is the president of Narrative Television Network as well as a published author of many books, including the Wisdom for Winners series. He is also a columnist and motivational speaker. Follow him on Twitter (@stovallauthor) or Facebook (@jimstovallauthor).

"You Know What I Mean…”: The Assumption That Hurts Communication by Phillip Van Hooser

“While I didn’t actually explain that, I’m sure you know what I mean…” 

How many times have you heard something like that statement? More importantly, how many times have you said or thought it? Unless you’re communicating with a certified mind reader, believing a person will know what you mean without making the effort to tell them is the same as believing you will win the lottery. It could happen—but unfortunately, it seldom does. 

You Know What They Say About Assuming… 

Let’s be clear. Assumptions are the mark of a careless communicator. “To assume” something provides evidence that a person hasn’t taken time to ask, verify and evaluate. Besides that, people who deal in unverified assumptions leave themselves open to a myriad of communication disconnects and breakdowns. 

It’s never a question if making assumptions will get us into trouble. The real questions are: When will the troubles begin? Where might they crop up? With whom will we have problems? And how much will our errant assumptions actually cost in time, dollars and goodwill? 

We should never believe “you know what I mean.” When communicating, we might think avoiding unnecessary explanations up front will save us time in the process. When in actuality, sooner or later, we have to explain the process anyway—what we did, how it was done, and why we did it. 

If the process is explained before action is taken, most people are still open to listening. However, if explanations are offered after action has been taken, many people will already be frustrated by what they see as our insufficient communication approach. 

Explaining the Process Helps Us Communicate Better 

Failure to communicate doesn’t have to happen. It can be avoided by purposefully explaining the process that is to follow. So what are we really trying to do when we “explain the process?” 

Understand Your Objective 

Understanding how to explain the process begins with understanding your overall communication objectives. The communication we undertake may focus on one or more of these objectives. But knowing what our objectives are before we begin lessens the chances we will fail in our communication efforts. 

Is the objective to: 

✔️ Convey: You are the messenger or conduit through which information passes. 
✔️ Request: You are asking for something specific. 
✔️ Educate: You are providing information to prove the value of a concept, idea, or activity. 
✔️ Defend: You are supporting a position on which you stand. 
✔️ Question: You are seeking information. 
✔️ Confirm: You are working to erase doubt and confusion.  

What Others Sense  

Communicating the process is not only a verbal experience, it is also sensory in nature. Many people pride themselves on their ability to “read” others. While other people analyze their “gut feeling” regarding messages they receive. But to ensure the process is communicated effectively, take into consideration what others can sense from our words and the manner in which we deliver them. 

✔️ How we feel: Are you excited, embarrassed, desperate, disgusted? Our words and our delivery give indication of all these and more. 
✔️ If we like them or not: Words and demeanor can create connection or cause a chilling effect on relationships. 
✔️ If we’re glad to be there: Do our words and non-verbal cues ring with authenticity or seem less than genuine? 
✔️ If we’re lying: Most of us, thankfully, haven’t developed the ability to lie with the same non-verbal effect as telling the truth. 
✔️ If we’re sincere: Sincerity is hard to fake. Forced words and overplayed actions are easier to spot than we may think. 

Common Questions People Will Have 

Many of us are suspicious by nature—you know what I mean… When someone starts explaining the process to us, we start trying to read between the lines. So until we have acceptable answers to questions that concern us, we won’t be able to fully accept the “process” as legitimate. 

With that in mind, here are some common questions people have—questions to anticipate and prepare to answer when explaining the process: 

✔️ Is this really going to do any good? 
✔️ Is it possible that I could be hurt as a result of what happens? 
✔️ Should I get involved personally or just wait to see what happens? 
✔️ What is the real motivation behind what I am seeing and hearing? 
✔️ Will this have a negative effect on my relationship with ______________? 
✔️ Will this cause more problems than it is worth? 

Communicating effectively is hard and has far-reaching implications on our ability to lead. 

If you’re struggling with so-so communication skills, We Need to Talk: Building Trust When Communicating Gets Critical has the help you need to build solid relationships when results are riding on your abilities. 

Get a copy today and get started being a better communicator! 

Phillip Van Hooser, CSP, CPAE is the recipient of the 2019 Cavett Award from the National Speakers Association. He is committed to helping organizations transform their business outcomes by transforming the talent of their people. His book We Need to Talk: Building Trust When Communicating Gets Critical is now available from Sound Wisdom and can be purchased from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Books-a-Million, Porchlight Books, and other fine retailers. 

Proper Etiquette for Business Meals by Jennifer Janechek

Business meals are an integral part of most jobs. Whether you’re on the road meeting clients or employees from other office locations out for dinner, or you’re networking with people over appetizers at a conference, or you’re simply at a company lunch or grabbing a bite with colleagues, it’s important to make the most of these opportunities for your career…as well as to avoid business meal faux pas that could negatively impact your work relationships. 

As common as business dining experiences are, it’s interesting that so little advice exists for how to properly navigate them. I remember the first time I went out to dinner with a boss figure (a professor), I had no clue how to act. I was nervous about eating too much, too little, too messily; talking too much, too little; offending him by insisting or not insisting on paying…you get the idea. Despite having taken interpersonal communication courses in college, I was totally unprepared for this sort of social situation. Even though I felt completely comfortable conversing with professors inside and outside of the classroom, when food was added to the mix I was thrown into an unfamiliar territory and felt awkward about both the conversation and the dining. 

I wish I had been able to read something like Rachael Doyle’s new book The Field Guide to Extraordinary Communication & Connection. In it, Doyle shares several strategies for strengthening your communication skills for the benefit of your professional and personal life. Not only does she provide tips on the content of effective communication; she also offers insight on the where, when, and how of it so that you can make the most of every communication situation and networking opportunity. Included in this comprehensive handbook are two chapters on business meal guidelines, something to which there could—and probably should—be an entire college course dedicated. I’ve summarized the first five tips below (there are 34 helpful hints total!). For more on these and to learn the others, be sure to grab a copy of Doyle’s Field Guide! 

• Get there early, but not too early. 
  Doyle suggests that about five minutes early is ideal. “If you arrive fifteen minutes early, wait in your car or freshen your makeup or comb your hair in the restroom,” Doyle advises. She notes that you should always get the host’s or other diner’s number ahead of time so that in the event of an unexpected delay or emergency, you can notify him or her as soon as possible. 

• Take the initiative to make introductions. 
  Doyle suggests that you introduce yourself to every person in the group rather than relying on the host (who might forget some names) to do so, saying something positive like “It’s nice to meet you” or “It’s good to see you again.” Incorporating each person’s name into your sentences will help you remember their names. 

• Choose your seat wisely. 
  If the host doesn’t plan the seating arrangements, then be considerate about your seating choice, avoiding selecting the two end chairs, which are reserved for the host and/or the more distinguished guests. 

• Treat your server(s) with respect. 
  Being discourteous to the restaurant staff will most certainly leave a negative impression on your fellow diners. Treat everyone with whom you interact with respect and kindness.  

• When it comes to your order, don’t lead—follow.  
  Unless you’re put on the spot and have to order first, it’s a good idea to wait and see what others are ordering so that you can follow their lead. That way you don’t end up ordering, say, a steak dinner when everyone else is ordering sandwiches. (Of course, you should always be considerate about pricing, refraining from ordering the most expensive menu items.) Doyle advises that the same thing goes for dessert—wait to see if others are interested in prolonging the meal and ordering dessert before ordering something yourself. 

These are just a handful of the practical tips for business communication (here, over meals) that you’ll learn in The Field Guide to Extraordinary Communication & Connection. With so many elements to proper business, social, and dining etiquette, Doyle’s book is certainly a welcome resource! 

Rachael Doyle’s new book The Field Guide to Extraordinary Communication & Connection, available on August 20, 2019 from Sound Wisdom, is a comprehensive handbook for impactful communication in and out of the workplace. Covering topics as wide-ranging and as crucial as e-mail etiquette, making the most of social media networking, handling office celebrations, participating actively in meetings, and much more, this book will ensure you’re prepared to handle the gamut of business situations with aplomb. Reserve your copy now from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or 800-CEO-Read.